The Wufei Wonder
by Night-Mare-Chan
Summary: The final in the series of essays. Just what makes Wufei kick butt? Read this essay and find out!


            Nine out of three fans concede that if Quatre is squishy, Duo is too cool, Heero is not as bad as he seems, and Trowa is damn sexy; then Wufei is kick-ass awesome. To test this theory I have proposed an essay divided into five sections, looks, lines, abilities, squishiness and secrets.

Looks: 

            Wufei, although lacking the cool charm of Duo or the messy appeal of Heero, has his own type of bishoneness. Who can resist that Asian look? Those dark, exotic eyes. Those full pouty lips… That cool, slick, hairstyle. One wonders what he would look like if he ever let his hair down…

Duo: Aah, it's been a long day. *stretches* Hey, Wu-man! Relax! Let your hair down.

Wufei: No. 

Quatre: I think it would be good for you to relax… Just once.

Wufei: I'm fine.

Duo: Comon'. You gotta learn to live a little bit. Walk on the wild side. *pulls out invisible rubber band from Wufei's hair.*

*FOMP!*

*Wufei's hair pops up in a giant, frizzy, afro*

Trowa: HURK *spits his coffee halfway across the room.*

Quatre: Oh…*giggle* I can see why you …*snort* didn't want…*dissolves into helpless laughter*

Heero: What did you do? Stick your head in the dryer?  
Wufei:  .    .   .   

But I digress. 

Lines: 

            As far as lines go, Wufei tends to have the most memorable in the series. Aside from Heero's ever so popular, I will kill you. Or Relena's infamous, here I am Heero! Come and kill me! Wufei's words, more then any others, make the fans stand up and want to do something. More often then not, to jump through the TV screen and throttle him to within an inch of his life. Let's try these same sort of lines in a real world setting…

*Wufei is standing behind a counter, viser jammed on his head, looking disgruntled.  A man which could easily have his own zip code comes in.*

Man: I would like three chili cheeseburgers, two cherry turnovers, a shinigami shake and an order of fries.

Wufei: You are fat, therefore you lack self control, therefore you are weak… and the WEAK SHOULDN'T ORDER FRIES!!! 

*On the backline working at the grill. Goes to get more hamburger seasoning and when he comes back the patty on the grill is completely burnt*

Manager: Is that a hamburger or a lump of charcoal? 

Wufei: I…I made a mistake…

Manager: Oh well. Just put another one on. 

Wufei: I can't…

Manager: Huh? Why not?

Wufei: I made a mistake, which makes me weak. I don't deserve to flip hamburgers.

Wufei: Hmph…

Female Co-Worker: What's the problem now?

Wufei: Women shouldn't work in fast food.

*woman whacks him upside the head with a spatula*

Manager: Come on Wufei, time to close up.   
Wufei: *strokes the cash register* Until tomorrow…Nataku.

Abilities:

            Wufei's skills are in the 'pretty damn awesome range.' Although he's not up to par with Trowa or Mr. Self-destruct…he's not bad. The only problem with Wufei is his seeming inability to pick a side and stay with it. One wonders how he keeps it all straight.

*Wufei is with two other mobile suits. One his ally, one his enemy*

Wufei: Hmm. *turns to ally* Upon closer consideration I've decided that you don't fit my ideals of justice. So I'm going to have to… Wait…today's Monday right?  
Ally: T…T…Tuesday.

Wufei: Oh. *flips through schedule book* Never mind then. My mistake. *shoots enemy*

            Wufei's strongest suit, as many agree, is his skill with martial arts. One doesn't need a gun when one can down enemies with moves that not only do the job, but look cool too. You wonder what rigorous training he had to go through.

            Wufei concentrated, perspiration beading on his face and slipping down his cheek. He made one sweep with his hand, then went back over with his opposite hand. Slowly…carefully… All the while he chanted to himself…

            "Wax on…wax off…"  

            "You are doing a wonderful job," Master O said, breaking into his concentration. "You are well on your way to becoming a master martial artist."  Wufei looked back at him, one dark eyebrow raised.

            "By waxing your car?"  
            "Yes," the master said, with a wise nod of his bald head. "Oh, and I promised Dr. J that you'd pop over and shine up his convertible when you're through with this. It has to be before tonight because he wants to go cruising for chicks…"  With another nod, Master O walked away. Wufei turned back to his task, hand twitching spasmodically.

            "Wax on…" he snarled through gritted teeth.

At any rate….

Squishiness:

            Let me put it to you this way, if Squishiness were the Titanic, Wufei would be its iceberg. Not that he doesn't have his charms, but he isn't exactly win any prizes for snuggliest boy of the year. If Quatre is a teddy bear, then Wufei would be a refrigerator… Nice to have…but damned difficult to get your arms around. Even if you could, you'd end up getting frost bite.

            This was too much. Just too much. Why, oh why by everything that was sacred, did he let Duo drag him into this? He didn't even _celebrate _this holiday! Much less look like its patron saint. But Duo had given him the most pathetic face…and promised to be his servant for a month. And ooh Wufei was going to hold him to that. The braided wonder would be polishing Nataku till his arms fell off…and then he would do it with his _teeth. _

            The next, small, wiggly, shrieky thing came up. This one with a runny noise. Trowa, dressed in bright green and silvery bells, led the kid up to where Wufei sat. The Chinese pilot cast the other man a sympathetic look, absently wondering what Quatre had to do to make Trowa go through with this. This was followed by the more definite question of whether he even wanted to _know what Quatre had to do. All thoughts were soon banished when the kid was placed in his lap. A squirmy, tow-headed boy of about five._

            "Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas," he said, trying to sound a least a bit convincing. The slight shake of Trowa's head told him he wasn't succeeding very well.

            "Santa…" the little boy said, shifting a little.

            "Have you been a good boy this year?" Wufei breezed on, wanting to get this over with as soon as he possibly could.

            "Yes! But Santa…!"  
            "I bet you want a pony don't you?" It seemed to be on the definite, six and under top ten list. The kid wouldn't even come up to a horse's knee!

            "Santaa!" The kid was whining now, bouncing up and down impatiently.  
            "All right… Tell me what you want and I'll see what I can do."  
            "I really really have to…"

            But by the time the message was imparted, it was all ready too late. Wufei closed his eyes. Duo… was going… to DIE.

Secrets:

            Wufei is a person who keeps to himself. He's not the kind to let people close. So with him, he holds many secrets. Some of these secrets have all ready been explained in cannon. Others…more deeper and darker then anything seen, have yet to reveal themselves…. 

*The pilots are walking down a street. Thunder clouds are looming dramatically over head.*

Quatre: Hm… Looks like rain. 

Heero: Or some life altering, probably traumatic, event. 

Duo: … Did anyone ever tell you that you're on the dark side of pessimism? 

Wufei: Let's…go inside.

Quatre: What's the matter Wufei? You're pale.

Wufei: Nothing's the matter! I just don't feel like getting wet. 

*rain starts falling just at that moment. It's rather cold. Suddenly, before their eyes…Wufei changes.*

Quatre: W…Wu…

Duo: Wo…wo…

Heero: Are those breasts? *experimentally squeezes the newest addition to Wufei's anatomy.*

Wufei: *in a decidedly high pitched voice* Stop that! 

Quatre: Umm…how?

Wufei: I got lost and ended up in this place called Jusenkyo….

*Zechs pops out of a nearby beauty parlor.*

Zechs: *sees Wufei* GASP!

Wufei: Oh no…

Zechs: Pigtailed Girl! Duo Maxwell! My two great loves!

Duo: Now just wait a-

Zechs: *clenches his hand into a fist and tears* If only this unworthy heart could decide…for I want both of you. How could fate be so cruel as to present two women worthy of the Lightning Count of Kushrenada Enterprises! *lightning flashes dramtically in the backround*

*Relena pops out of a hat shop with a  ribbon whip in her hands*

Relena: *spies onna-Wufei* YOU! What have you done with my darling Wufei?! Answer me or I'll tear you to shreds! *twirls ribbon threateningly.*

Zechs: Do not even _think to threaten the Pigtailed Girl! _

Relena: Do you plan to stop me, brother dear?

Quatre: I…hate to interrupt…but…where's Trowa? 

*A little black pig with fur hanging over one eye trots up to Quatre and stares at him.*

P-Trowa: *in a complete monotone* Bwe

In conclusion. Wufei is so kick-ass awesome…because he's just so kick-ass awesome.

This conculdes my essays. I hope you've enjoyed them. ^_~ As you know, Gundam Wing does not belong to me. 

One final note…

Zechs: I love you, I must date with you. I love you, I must date with you. I love you, I must date with you. Wufeeiiii

Wufei: WAAAH!

Night~Mare


End file.
